Apr. 16th, 2013

erynn: Gaelic merman image (asclepius rod)
Yesterday I was over at the VA for an initial hearing test. The tech tells me that she didn't see anything wrong with the inner ear, and that my hearing in general appears to be just fine. She was going to pass the results and the questionnaire I filled out over to their weekly Monday panel to evaluate cases of dizziness and that I'll get a call next week. She also scheduled a more complicated 3 hour test for me on the 25th to see if they can figure out what is causing the dizziness.

At this point, I'm starting to think I'm not going to be able to go back east. I remember how out of it I felt doing the panels at Norwescon, and that was just me sitting around talking about fanfic. I didn't have to prepare anything, and I wasn't the sole person carrying the show along.

To be honest, I have enough trouble doing solo presentations on good days. I love doing it, but they are stressful and I deal with the whole anxiety/stage fright thing beforehand, as well as often feeling like I'm floundering even when I'm doing well. I'm sitting here trying to imagine what it would feel like to try and do three solo presentations feeling like I do right now, sitting at my desk - only exhausted from travel and living in a tent. I don't think I'll be able to.

If this were to miraculously get resolved next week, I might be able to regain enough ground to do the presentations, but I still have not done much prep work toward putting them together. I could do a basic presentation on ogam, but they want two different things on ogam and one on the history of CR, and I just don't think I'm up to it right now.

I hate that thought. I hate the fact that my body is once again screwing me over and there's currently nothing I can do about it. I went out this weekend and had a lovely time at the Abney Park/Steam Powered Giraffe show, but I was still feeling rather out of it the whole time. Nothing I do seems to help.

The audiology tech also wanted to give me a bunch of information about migraines, suggesting that maybe my migraines had changed in character from pain migraines to vertigo migraines (apparently such things exist), but I could not imagine that after nearly 40 years, they were suddenly going to go from a couple of times a month mostly triggered by hormones to over a month of constant dizziness. That makes no sense at all. A good 90% of the information on the paperwork she handed me was stuff I already knew and had no bearing whatsoever on dizziness or vertigo. I left the papers with her. I figured at least they could give them to someone who would get some use out of them, rather than me taking them home and just recycling them. I think she may have been a little frustrated with me over that, but I can't help it that I've had to deal with this stuff most of my life and I know more about what my body is doing than she does.

So I am frustrated and depressed and have yet more medical appointments to deal with, all while still not able to drive and contemplating having to cancel something I was really looking forward to doing a month from now. I still can't concentrate enough to work on writing nonfiction. I can't even work on my research because I can't focus that much at the moment.

I don't want to miss out on seeing everyone. I don't want to not be able to visit my mom. I feel like making a decision not to go is giving up, failing.


erynn: Gaelic merman image (Default)

September 2013



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